Vampire Cracks
by mywildimagination
Summary: Bella finds her awesome new gift as a vampire and finds out something that makes her go back to Forks. It's filled with pure lunacy and things you shouldn't read if you're not crazy and/or an a sugar rush. It's much more funny to read out loud.
1. Chapter 1

**_Vampire Cracks!!_**

"Gooooooooooooooooooooooooood morning, sleepyhead!" Emmett yells as Bella awakens from three days of torment.

"Emmett! What the heck are you doing!?" Edward is mad. "She's just gone through three days of endless pain! And you yell in her ear and play with her eyelids like a little kid!"

"I _am_ a little kid," Emmett says innocently. "And I really thought she was sleeping!"

"You don't do that anyway! And you don't lie to someone that can read your mind!"

"You can read minds? What a creep!"

Edward throws the first punch.

Getting tired of watching the brawl, Bella distracts Edward by kissing him. "I don't care if Emmett is immature. I'm so thirsty I could drink coffee. Let's destroy some WILDLIFE!"

"Did somebody say _coffee_?" Alice flits down the stairs to the basement of the Alaskan cabin. She is holding a mug of hot substance in her hand.

Jasper follows her and he and Emmett chant, "Drink it, drink it, drink it!"

"Heck, no. I didn't even like the stuff when I was human."

Alice and Edward join in the chant. She holds the mug out menacingly. "Drink it, drink it, drink it!"

"Edward, this isn't fair. You didn't even swallow our wedding cake!"

"DRINK IT, DRINK IT, DRINK IT!"

At the same time, Bella hears this in the vampires's thoughts.

_DRINK IT, DRINK IT, DRINK IT!_

Not knowing of her scourge, Bella is thoroughly annoyed and affected by peer pressure enough to jerk the mug out of Alice's hands and chug it down in one gulp. She gags, then yells, "DEEEEEEESGUSTING! No wonder Stephenie Meyer doesn't drink the stuff!"

_Why doesn't she?_

Thinking Emmett said that out loud, Bella replies, "Because she's Mormon!"

"I didn't say that out loud."

Edward suddenly screams like a little girl and falls on the floor. "I can't hear anyone's thoughts! The peace of mind is making me PSYCHO!!"

Bella realizes something. "Oh. My. I can steal other vampires's gifts! I have the best talent in the whole wide world! YYYYYYYYYYES!" She falls to her knees and does the classic pull-your-fists-down-to-your-hips-quickly-because-of-something-awesome move.

Edward says, "Honey, I want my gift back."

"No."

"Please?"

"Cross my heart, hope to - CRAP! I can't use that expression anymore!"

Edward grins. Evil-eyeing his look, she retorts, "Doesn't matter. I still won't give your gift back, because I'm challenging Emmett to an arm-wrestling match."

Emmett laughs. "You're on!"

Alice rolls her eyes. "I didn't even have to see the future to know who wins."

With the strength of a newborn and the power of coffee-- Well, you can guess who won.


	2. Chapter 2

_Three years later_

Tanya's happy. She just bought a new parakeet. Tanya, in case you didn't know, is the leader of the "vegetarian" vampire coven in Denali, Alaska. What are you going to do now, Tanya?

"I'm going to play hide-and-seek with my new pet. But I'll have to put plastic coverings everywhere so she doesn't poop on the couches."

It doesn't take long to do this because of Tanya's velocity and strength.

"Now Spot -"

Hold on. You named a parakeet _SPOT_?

"Yes, I did. Hey - you made me call her Spot! You're doing this to be funny!"

You're a character in a parody. It's my job to make you funny.

"Aaagh. Can't we just get back to the story?"

Of course.

"Thank you. Now Spot, I'll hide and you seek."

Tanya sneaks off to hide. "Count to fifty if you're slow, a hundred if you're fast!"

Of course, Spot doesn't know zero to one, one to two, and the countless numbers after that. She just flies around and poops on the plastic coverings.

Bella and Alice have returned from shopping.

"Admit it, Bella."

"No."

"Do it."

"No."

"I will give you vampire tickle torture. It's worse than you think. Ask Jasper if you don't believe me." Alice looks formidable.

Bella is getting sulky. "Okay, fine. I had fun."

"See? Shopping with me will be so much more fun now that you're entitled to our money and used to humans." Pleased, Alice sets down her bags.

"Yeah, but now I feel thirstier than usual. I hate- Hey, I smell dinner!" Bella sniffs around.

"Go ahead and eat it. I'll take our bags away." Alice is upstairs in a flash.

"Ba-raaaaaaaaack." The doomed bird gives itself away.

"Gotcha!" yells Bella.

No need to describe the death of the poor parakeet. All you need to know is-

"It's a good thing this plastic is here, or the carpet would have been stained." Alice is back, but there is no need to worry about the carpet. Bella licks the plastic clean like a small child mouthing a plate that once held a delicious cinnamon roll. Alice takes a step back.

"Ah, that hit the _spot_."

"Bella..." Alice is about to say something, but is interrupted by a vision of the future.

"What, Alice? What did you see?"

"Nothing," she lies, snapping back into reality.

"It was really bad, wasn't it?"

"No, it was...fine. Yeah. Trivial, actually. No point in voicing it." Alice is twiddling her fingers.

"Could've fooled me."

"I DON'T HAVE TO TELL YOU IF I DON'T WANT TO!!"

"I'M GOING TO FIND OUT ANYWAY!" Bella joins in the screamfest.

"NUH-UH!"

"YA-HUH!"

"NUH-UH!"

"OH YEAH? I'M GONNA STEAL YOUR GIFT!"

Bella comes up with an image of her father, Charlie Swan, with eyes red as blood and skin paler than white chocolate. "Oh, _no_," she moans.

"WHAT'S HAPPENED TO MY PARAKEET!?"

"_What's happened to my dad?_"


	3. Chapter 3

After a few months of deliberation and fruitlessly explaining to Edward that it wouldn't hurt to make sure her father was okay, even though she _would_ pass a vampire-hating, ginormous pack of werewolves that may or may not want to kill her, Bella more or less ends up in Forks (by plotting a snap-decision escape with Alice on yet another shopping trip). The first thing she does here is call the police department.

"Hello (smack, smack), Forks Police Department, how may I help you? (smack)"

Bella has no idea who this new receptionist is, and is bewildered at the fact that the police chief hired a ditzy teenager that smacked gum when answering calls for her employer.

"Um, hi, this is Brenda Hale." Unable to present herself with her now non-human appearance, Bella has come up with an excellent pseudonym. "I'm from the American Association for Natural Recreation (you can just call us AANR for short) and Chief Swan gave me this number to contact him. You can tell him it's the lady he sells fish to."

"Huh (smack, smack). Well, sorry about your fish (smack, smack), but you can't contact Chief Swan at this number anymore (smack, smack)."

Bella is concerned. "Why not? Could you give me another reference?"

"I mean (smack, smack), you can't contact him at _any_ number anymore (smack). He disappeared at a crime scene for a serial killer (smack, smack). The guy, like (smack), attacked a ton of officers and a lot of them are in the hospital (smack, smack). The other half of them are missing (smack)." Her tone is like that of one gossiping or spreading around old news.

_"What!?" _

"Yeah (smack, smack), totally (smack). My boyfriend would have been in on the search (smack) but we had a date that night (smack)."

Her lofty tone is really ticking Bella off. "Oh, wow. I don't really care. And for goodness' sake, could you spit your gum out?"

"Huh (smack)?"

"Your gum? The smacking is really annoying."

"Oh, really (smack, smack)? Ha ha, I didn't even notice (smack)."

"SPIT IT OUT!!"

"(Smack, smack) Okay, okay (smack). Geez."

There is a pause, and Bella hears a soft sound of gum hitting a trash bag with her highly sensitive ears.

"Okay, it's out now."

"Good," Bella says in an angry breath. Neither of them speak.

"Ahhh... This is awkward," Bella hears on the other end of the line.

"Yeah, goodbye." Bella hangs up. "Stupid ditzy teenager."

_A few hours later_

Bella does a double-take as she sees Jacob Black at the Cullens's old home.

"Ha!" he says triumphantly. "I knew I'd find you here!"

"Jake - how'd you know where to find me?" Bella looks very cautious.

"Vampire stink. Duh."

"That's funny," Bella says, confused. "You don't smell that bad at all."

"Do I now?" He takes a step closer.

"Phew. Yeah, you smell like wet dog." She wrinkles her nose. "Does Sam know I'm here?"

"No," Jacob says truthfully.

"But you can't keep a secret from them, can you?"

"Of course not."

"Would they mind my being here?"

"Nah. You're not really that dangerous. Besides, we just cleaned up a vampire mess here." Jake sighs.

"There were others here?" Bella presses.

"Maybe I should come inside first. It's kind of a long story." Jake is suddenly very interested in his feet.

She gives him a speculative look. "All right."

In the Cullens's sitting room, Jacob begins to explain the pack's recent trouble with vampires. "There were only two of them," he told her, "mates, you know? And apparently in the wrong place at the wrong time. These guys were killing so many people, it was just like Victoria. Eventually the humans got a little wrapped up in the mystery. There were a few 'confirmed' sightings, though of course nobody actually had seen the leeches. But they were close enough.

"There was a hunting party out the same day we caught up with them. Police force and forest rangers - yeah, they had caught a glimpse of us, too - were really hurt. But once the pack got there, it wasn't really much of a fight. The bloodsuckers were toast. But most of the people that went missing that time..."

Bella looks fearful. "They were bitten, weren't they?"

"Yes." He can't meet Bella's gaze.

"Charlie?"

He nods once, serene.

She rises with a stormy look on her face, her gold eyes narrow. "You killed him. You killed my father, Jacob Black."

His head snaps up. "No, I didn't."

Bella doesn't listen. "PREPARE TO DIE!!"

She lunges for him, and Jacob holds her and pins her to the ground. Bella squirms, but he holds her face to the floor. However, Bella gets a leg free and kicks him off. Jake nearly knocks the wall down on collision. He turns his head to find a sweet-faced, giggly vampire staring at his chest.

"Oooooooooooo, pretty colors," Bella croons.

Jake looks down at himself and sees a discolored bruise already disappearing. Bella giggles and hits him again.

"C'mon, Bella, stop - that hurts!"

"No, it doesn't!" She laughs.

"Bella - this - seriously - isn't - a - good - idea," Jacob gasps between punches.

She just giggles again. "Ha ha! I'm having so much fun I forgot why I was angry!" And her face hardens again.

"Wait - I'm angry!"

Before she can move, Jacob grabs her, hands on her face so she could look into his eyes.

"Bella..." He catches his breath, then continues. "Charlie _is_ a crazy newborn, but he's got a pretty good handle on himself. Has never touched a human at all since he's been changed."

Bella comes out of her frenzy for a moment. "Wait. He's okay."

Jacob's black eyes bore themselves into hers. "Does it look like I'm lying?"

Bella sighs. "No. When can I see him? I'll take him back to...to where we are right now. He doesn't have to be your responsibility anymore. He'll be okay with us."

Jacob smiles. "Sure, sure."

"Can you let go of me now?"

"Oh." He hasn't realized he is still holding her close. Letting her go, he says, "sorry", feeling embarrassed.

"It's all right."

There is an awkward silence.

"Did you come here looking for him?" Jacob asks solemnly.

"My dad? Yeah."

"The psychic - she saw him?"

"She can't see you, of course," Bella explains. "But she did see a vampire that looked an awful lot like Charlie."

"And you wanted to come sooner," Jacob presses.

"Yes."

"But your bloodleech wouldn't let you."

"Blood_sucker_," Bella corrects him. He gives her a curious look, and she catches her mistake. "Ah - uh, I mean, Edward."

Jacob's smile stretches into a huge grin. "Of _course_ that's what you meant - ow." Bella gives him a light punch on the arm. "I guess I'll tell Sam you're here so we can hand the kindy-garten vampire over to you."

She hisses, but that only fuels his ego. "Stay around here, okay? Let us come to you. We don't want you crossing any treaty lines."

Bella's face is marble carved into an impassive expression. "No problem."

"See you later, Bella." Jacob walks out of the house and towards La Push.

Bella smiles to herself. "Pretty colors."


	4. Chapter 4

"Hey, Billy? How come it's just the two of us in this Elders Meeting? And why are we holding it at the grocery store?" Sam asks.

Billy sighs. "Well...Sue had a PTA meeting she couldn't miss and Old Quil has the flu. After this we're sending him a 'Get Well Soon' card. Could you grab me one of those shopping carts?"

"Sure," Sam complies, and soon they walk (well, Billy wheels) through the second pair of sliding doors of the La Push grocery store. "But why are we meeting here?"

Billy cranes his head up to look at Sam's face. "Remember your werewolf training, Sam?"

"All five minutes of it."

"Good. Then you know that, as werewolves, we are always" - he changes into one of those dramatic crime-fighting poses, which loses some of the effect because of the wheelchair - "inconspicuous." He nods his head at Sam epectantly.

"Ooooooh-kay then." Sam says, thinking, _maybe he's crazy after all_.

"That, and Jacob had Quil and Embry over the other night. We're kind of out of food."

"Right."

The two of them shop for awhile and talk about mythical concerns and tribal needs. Eventually they walk down the breakfast cereal aisle. They pass boxes of Trix, Cocoa Puffs, Rice Crispies, Froot Loops, Reeses' Puffs, Cookie Crisp...

"Gah!" Sam takes a step back at the sight of the Cookie Crisp logo, almost pushing the food-filled shopping cart halfway down the aisle.

Billy is surprised. "You all right, Sam?"

Sam shows him the box, pointing to the wolf with chocolate fur.

"That isn't..."

"Quil," Sam answers, grinding his teeth together. "How could he do this to the pack? Advertising COOKIE CRISP!?"

"I wonder how much they're giving him," Billy wonders. "He owes the pack some cereal, at least."

"Cookie Crisp cereal? What the heck are ten overgrown wolves going to do with breakfast cereal?"

"Well, at least Emily wouldn't have to cook - "

Sam cuts across him. "Wait. I have a great idea. If we all start eating Cookie Crisp, Emily won't have to cook so much!" He looks really excited about it. Suddenly, a ringing cell phone blares across the aisle.

The two men look at each other. "It's certainly not my phone," Billy points out.

"Don't look at me," Sam says. "I don't even _have_ a cell phone."

"We're the only people in this part of the store."

Sam pats his pockets absently. "I haven't even had these pants for two hours yet! Why would there be a phone in them?" He opens a cheapie black cell phone. "Hello?"

"S-sam?" A weepy but familiar voice is on the other line.

"Emily? Did you give me the phone?"

"Y-yes. It-it's just so hard to get a-ahold of you n-nowadays and I-I..." Emily becomes incoherent.

"Em, what's wrong? Are you all right?"

"It's just- Sam, we, well, you know how Josh and I" (Joshua is Sam and Emily's baby, and he's nearly two years old) "were at the beach today?"

"Yes. What happened, hon?"

"Vvvvvvv."

"What?"

"V-vampire." She explodes into tears.

"_What!?_ At the beach? Are you guys okay?" Sam is trying to hold the phone in his shaking hands.

"I-I am, b-but Joshua..."

"What happened?" Sam asks.

"He - that _thing_ - all this commotion...some people are _dead_, Sam, and I can't find Josh...anywhere..."

Sam's face hardens. "We're coming. Don't go anywhere. We'll try to catch the scent, find out what happened. I love you." He snaps the phone shut.

Billy's face looks drawn. "What is it, Sam? Is Emily..."

"There was a vampire down at First Beach today. Total massacre. The pack's moving out." Sam starts walking down the aisle, takes the cart, and proceeds to the checkout, Billy wheeling behind him.

"I'll get one of the employees to help me out here," Billy offers.

"Here," says Sam, tossing Billy the phone. "I can't use a phone when I'm phasing, anyway. See if you can't get someone to pick you up."

Sam runs out of the drugstore to a private spot near the woods where he knows nobody was watching, and, shrugging out of his clothes, lets the heat ripple down his back and explode. On four feet now he mindlessly runs north to First Beach. The others hear the above conversation with Emily and, well, freak out to the appropriate measure.

_!!_

_God forbid it wasn't any of the "allies" we've been keeping in the basement,_ Leah thinks viciously. She has never approved of the truce with the newborn vampires. At the time, the pack had mostly agreed that they were somewhat responsible for the creation of these newborns, having been absent when they were needed to protect their once-human lives. The five new vampires were told that it was either "vegetarian" life or destruction. One couldn't cope with the decision, and two others nearly killed each other in a fight that may have ended in the destruction of human life. There is a definite chance that one of the remaining leeches got out of control.

_It _better_ not have been_, Sam snarls.

_Sam, I'm sorry, I'm so, so, sorry! _Collin's pained voice echoes among the pack mind. _Embry had to keep Charlie away from town, and I couldn't hold Dave off. _

Sam lets out an angry howl and claws the soil beneath him_. Is Charlie out, too?_

_No, _Embry reports. _It didn't take too long to put his head back together, but it was long enough._

_His _teeth_ were this close to me! _Everyone sees an image of a fair-haired vampire's bicuspids nearly grazing werewolf fur (Does ANYBODY know what color Collin's fur is? Stephenie Meyer better come out with that Twilight encyclopedia soon!).

_Get your furry butts over here, _Sam snarls. _Survey says that the leech went east..._

_Sam?_

_Jacob! Where the _(werewolves rule, leeches drool, not really, but you get the idea)_ have you been? Forget that, Dave got out and we're following his scent this way._ He flies over wood and rock and soil and little baby caterpillars and lots of other stuff you'd find in a forest scene.

_Somebody's been setting fires in the area. _After ten miles of tracking, Jared mentions the pillar of smoke a few miles away._ Phew, dead bloodsucker, I'm gonna be sick._

_Please don't, _Leah complains. _Remember when we were fooling around and Brady and Seth spun Jake around in circles by his fur and he upchucked burning hot dog? That nearly started a forest fire! Not to mention that some tourists came up hiking and found the remnants, and, thinking it was bigfoot crap-_

_Yeah, Leah, we all know, would you please shut up? _Jacob grimaces at the memory of the incident.

_I don't feel like it, and besides, it's a great story-_

_Both of you, head in the game, _Sam chides, coming around to a clearing (the same clearing where newborns had been fought three years ago, ironically enough), where there was a burning pire of what used to be Dave the Vampire. _There was another vampire here, one that killed Dave..._

_Bella! _Jacob accidentally lets something slip.

_WHO?! _The pack cries all at once.

_Look, I was following a scent, and it turned out to be Bella. _Jake explains. _That fortune-telling one, she saw Charlie and it's just Bella coming to find him, nobody else. This is her scent, _he claims.

After deciding that it would be best to hand Charlie over to the Cullens, the pack turned around and sent Jacob, Quil, and Embry to follow Bella's scent back to Forks and question her over a few things. These things were things such as, "Why'd you kill Dave?", "Have you eaten any humans?", and "What would be the best way to get Charlie back to wherever you leeches are hanging around these days?".

The three had to change to human form when Bella's trail hit town. They tracked her to a very unlikely place. I'll tell you where if you promise to give me a couple of reviews. Got that? You promise? Good then.

Bella Cullen was in the hospital.


	5. Chapter 5

Let the author clear something up: Bella is NOT a patient at the hospital. She saved Joshua from Evil Dave's clutches and ran him there. And here's why Dave didn't kill Josh before Bella killed him. In his former life, Dave was a pedophile, but his wife didn't know and when he was changed it became the one character trait that was strengthened. So, Dave decided that Josh was the dang cutest human kid he'd ever seen, and magically refrained from destroying him. The first thing Joshua did when he woke up from being unconscious was tell Bella that she smelled funny. Bella said, "Honey, I don't know how you smell, because I'm holding my breath, and I'm guessing you probably smell like dinner." Bella had no idea that he was Sam's pup. Jacob and Quil and Embry got to the hospital, had a quick information transplant, and then they left to get Sam, who sent Bella on her way to get Charlie. Then he and Emily went crazy happy about their son being okay, and Jacob went someplace to cry over losing the love of his life again or something like that. So Bella got home with Charlie, who was accepted into the Cullen family with open arms.

Oh. The author just gave away the rest of this part of the story. Oops. Anyway, now we get to the FUN part of our story!

_In Jasper and Alice's room, not long after Charlie's arrival_

"Jasper," Alice whined, "you've been unhappy."

"Oh, of course not! Why would I be unhappy?" Jasper reassured her, but did a terrible job of it. He was smiling a smile that screamed _FAKE_, and his voice was unbelievably corny.

"But you've been moping around all the time."

"Nonsense. Vampires don't mope. We gripe."

"Well," Alice said haughtily, "you've been griping. And you must put an end to it."

"Wh-y-y??" whined Jasper, sounding like a little kid.

"Because your unhappiness is making me unhappy," she stated matter-of-factly. "And I also see you pulling an Edward" (after the little stunt in Italy, most of the Volturi and the Cullens starting calling vampire suicide "Edwards") " if you don't stop being upset."

"I promise to try with all my heart not to go to Italy or upset some newborns or something," Jasper pleaded.

"It won't work, Jasper," Alice said in a gravely sing-song voice that only insanely happy people can pull off. "You must spend more time with Emmett."

"Emmett?! Of all people, why him?"

"Because he's happy so much of the time, Jazzy. If you spent more time around him, it might rub off on you."

"Bella's happy, too."

"So am I," Alice said, "but I haven't rubbed off on you, either. But Emmett is so childish, and leading experts say" - she held up a psychology magazine - "that childlike moments can bring joy into your life. So please do it. For me?" Her face had a pleading-little-girl look.

Jasper groaned. On one hand, he didn't want to be childish. He wanted to be the emo confederate soldier he'd always been. But on the other hand, he couldn't make Alice unhappy. So he sighed and said, "I'll do it."

"YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY!!" She screamed. "Go find Emmett. He's in the living - I mean sitting - room."

Jasper sighed. "All right." He went downstairs to the sitting room with great speed. There he found Emmett pacing the room with a very thoughtful look on his face. He suddenly brightened.

Then he giggled and squealed to Jasper, "I just found a way to annoy Charlie."

"And how's that?" asked Jasper, trying to sound interested.

Emmett told him his idea. They could hear Alice laughing from upstairs.

"Wow," said Jasper, grimacing. "You know, that's such a great idea, I think I'll do it with you."

"It took me a half hour to think up!" Emmett said brightly, oblivious to Jasper's less-than-perfect enthusiasm.

"Did it now?" Jasper was petrified.

Some time later (after Jasper had practiced being giddy so he could really annoy Charlie), the two of them entered Charlie's room.

"Hey Ch_aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa_arlie," said Emmett in a falsely high-pitched voice. "Hey, Charlie, what's _uuuuuuuuuuuu_p?"

"Hey Char_lie_," Jasper squealed, following Emmett's lead. "Hey, _Char_lie, what's _uuuuuuuuu_p?"

"Um," Charlie started, a little weirded out, "Nothing much. Y'know, being a newborn and stuff. Just finding out that my daughter married a vampire. Y'know. Stuff."

"That's gr_eeeeeeeeeeeaaaaaa_t, Char_lie_."

"Really _aaaaaaaaaaaaa_wesome, Char_lie_."

"Um, yeah," Charlie said, starting to get annoyed. "So what are you doing?"

"Oh, we're impersonating two unicorns from a certain Youtube video, Char_lie_," Jasper said, his voice still high-pitched and now lofty.

"Gue-ess _what_, Char_lie_?!" Emmett cried.

"What?"

"We found a m_aaaaaaaaaaa_ap to Candy _Mountain_, Char_lie_."

"Candy _Mountain_, Charlie! La la la _la_ la la la **la**."

"Um, great," replied Charlie, nonplussed. "Why don't you go play unicorns with Alice and Rosalie?"

"_NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO_!" both Jasper and Emmett cried at once.

"Alice is too busy sh_ooooooooooo_opping."

"Girls ruin _eeeeeeeeeeeeee_everything!"

"Help us find Candy_ Mountain_, Char_lie_!"

"Help us find it!"

"Yeah, thanks, but no thanks." Charlie headed out the bedroom door, only to be blocked by the two "unicorns".

"You _have_ to come _with_ us, Char_lie_."

"Come _with us_, Charlie."

Their voices took on the somewhat grave tone that the two unicorns from the Youtube video had used at the Candy Mountain cave.

"GET _OUT OF MY WAY_!!"

"N_eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee_ever!" they protested.

Charlie went wild. He started to attack them, got held back, and bit Jasper's finger.

"Ouch!" Jasper's tone now had a British accent. "Charlie, that really hurt!"

Pleased, Charlie bit Emmett's finger, who held it up with a falsely sad look in his eyes. "Charlie bit me."

Charlie pushed past then and ran down the hallway. Enter Carlisle, with a concerned expression on his face. "You two haven't been annoying Charlie, have you?"

"Why would we do that?" they innocently asked in unison.

"Please don't, boys. And by the way, those are terrible British accents." He left the room.

The two of them giggled.

"Charlie bit me."


	6. Chapter 6

_Edward and Bella's room, the day after_

"Hey, Edward?" asks Bella sweetly.

"Yes?" Edward answers.

"We're legally married, right?"

Edward, a little confused, replies, "Of course we are. I do seem to remember you saying, 'I do' in a very lovely white dress, blushing in a shade I have always been very partial to." Has anyone noticed that he uses a lot of big words?

"Erm, yes," Bella says, diverting eye contact. "Hey, you know those things human couples do?"

"Exactly what type of things that human couples do?"

"Arguing over silly stuff. It's really cute."

Edward raises his eyebrows. "Since when has arguing seemed attractive to you?"

She giggles and smiles at him. "Since I watched _Bewitched_."

"I always knew I'd regret renting that movie," Edward mutters under his breath. "So . . . you want us to argue . . . for pointless reasons? I honestly think we did enough of that in the third book. I mean, everyone already knew you'd end up as a vampire. Why go through that again?"

"Oh, we're not going to argue over how we feel about each other and how you want me to stay human until I'm thirty," Bella says huffily. "We are going to argue about paint."

"Very well, then. I'll get a copy of the script from _Bewitched_." Edward gets up and walks toward the door.

"No!" Bella cries, making Edward jump (yes, vampires can jump when they're scared, as long as I'm writing this fanfic). "I don't want to be a copycat. We are going to argue about yams. And floral decorations."

"Yams and floral decorations? Where did that come from?"

Bella begins to rummage through the bedstand. "Here," she says, tossing a cell phone to him. She puts an identical one in her purse. "You head to a random grocery store. Take a cart and pretend to shop until I call you."

She walks by Edward at the door.

"Bella?" he asks dumbfoundedly.

_Five minutes before the previous scene_

Alice walks into the sitting room for some random reason and finds Emmett sitting on the sofa, watching TV.

"Whatcha doin'?" she asks casually.

Emmett puts some popcorn in his mouth and spits it out in another bowl. "Watching a Walt Disney classic. And chewing popcorn. It's so much fun. I see how long I can keep it in my mouth."

She stares disgustedly at the second popcorn bowl, glazed in venom. If she could, she would puke. "Where is Jasper?"

"He's popping more popcorn."

"What exactly are you watching?"

"_Alice Cullen and the Seven Dwarves_." His attention is back on the screen.

"You mean, Snow White _and the Seven Dwarves_?"

"No."

"But _I'm_ Alice Cullen," she says, pointing to herself, "and _she_ is Snow White." Alice points at the dancing princess onscreen.

"No," Emmett replies, shaking his head as though she has gotten something wrong on a test. "_You're_ Snow White and _she's_ Alice Cullen." He performs the same motions.

Bella walks into the room from upstairs.

"Hi, Belle," Emmett says, greeting her.

"It's Bell_a_." She corrects him. "Bell is a percussionistic instrument." Hey, Bella can use big words, too! Edward and Bella are the big-word users of the day!

"Belle is a princess," Emmett responds reverently, and turns back to the television. Bella gives him a _what's-with-him?_ look to Alice, who suddenly jumps up and squeals with excitement.

"I just had a great idea!" she cries, and runs out the front door.

"Whatever," Bella says flippantly, following Alice.

A few moments later, Edward enters the room, just as Jasper comes in with popcorn. He sits down with it and stares at the birds and beasts and the princess and the dwarves dancing together as Emmett is. They take some popcorn and spit it out after a few moments of sucking.

Edward, bewildered, says, "Why are you wasting popcorn?"

Jasper grins. "Popcorn is the only reason I've agreed to this. It's like tobacco, only more sugary. I used to love tobacco when I was human."

"Tobacco is not beneficial to your health," Edward responds as though in medical school.

"Yeah, so what?" replies Emmett with a full mouth. "We're vampires. It's not gonna kill us." A huge blob of venomous kernels drop into the bucket.

"That's absolutely _disgusting_," Edward answers in a disgusted tone, and heads out the front door.

Neither of the other vampires answer. Only the sound of high-pitched, insanely happy music floats through the air.

* * *

**_Author's Note: The following prose switches settings at regular intervals. To avoid migraines for both the writer and reader, the author has kindly volunteered dramatic format for the following event. This will not occur at any other time in the story. (I may break this promise, soooooo . . . CROSSIES! Doesn't count!)_**

* * *

Bella: Edward? You said your sister already had a design for the florist. You lied! There's no reservation here for any flowers to pick up!

Edward: Um, Bella? I don't think we need flowers.

Bella: Ad lib, Edward! Ad lib! Don't you know what that means?

Edward: Um, well, it's not my fault. Alice didn't call me.

Bella: You _HAVE_ to do better than _that_.

Edward: Well, what do you want me to get _YAMS _for?! Of all foods to be craving right now, it has to be _YAMS_?!

Bella: A pregnant woman cannot control what her baby needs! Yams are nutritious anyway! And I will not be as fat once the baby is born!

Edward: HOW _DARE_ YOU CALL YOURSELF FAT!! YOU ARE _ALWAYS_ BEAUTIFUL!!

Bella: NUH-UH! I ALREADY HAVE THREE STRETCH MARKS! IT'S NOT FAIR! YOUR SISTER HAS TWELVE KIDS AND SHE HASN'T A SINGLE STRETCH MARK!

Edward: FOR YOUR INFORMATION, ROSALIE HAS SIX KIDS, NOT TWELVE, AND I HIGHLY DOUBT SHE DOESN'T HAVE ANY STRETCH MARKS!

Bella: I HAVE EVIDENCE! I HAVE EVIDENCE!

Edward: Really, Bella, don't be a child.

Bella: I'M CARRYING ONE! I HAVE MY RIGHTS!

Edward: Do you hear the people around you whispering about how you don't look pregnant at all?

Bella: THAT'S THE POINT! WE'RE SUPPOSED TO BE WHISPERED ABOUT AND STARED AT! THAT'S WHY I WANTED TO GET MARRIED IN VEGAS WHILE WE HAD THE CHANCE!

Edward: I thought you wanted to have a formal wedding.

Bella: I DID UNTIL WE GOT SCREWED!

Edward: You do realize I stopped speaking in capitals for the past few exchanges, don't you?

Bella: YOU THINK I DON'T KNOW THAT?! YOU THINK THAT JUST BECAUSE I'M PREGNANT I'M STUPID?!

Security Guard: Excuse me, if you want to scream over the phone at your . . . spouse, is it? Well, I'm afraid you'll have to do that outside.

Bella: WELL, MR. BRAIN BOY, YOU GOT ME KICKED OUT! THANKS A LOT, YOU JERK!

(She hangs up)

Edward: What a _fun_ way to spend the rest of eternity . . .

* * *

**Thanks to everyone who R&R'ed. And speaking of which, as of November 15, I'll be sending preview passages of the next chapter to whoever reviews this! So if you like this fanfiction, please review!**


	7. Chapter 7

Alice has been in her room for three days. The last time anyone has seen her out of it is when she went shopping and came home with a load of fabric.

Emmett and Charlie have their ears to her door.

"Is Jasper in there?" asks Emmett. "Maybe they're . . ." He grins mischievously.

"Maybe we're what?" Jasper asks skeptically.

"Um, nothing."

Charlie sighs, then jumps in excitement. "What's that sound?"

Emmett and Jasper have their ears to the door, too.

"It's like . . . needle poking through thread . . . repeatedly."

"Holy crow, you can hear that?" Emmett asks in mock incredulosity. "You must be, like, not human or something.

They look at him as though he's missing an essential point.

Suddenly, the door swings open, therefore getting crushed to splinters.

(Replay for comic effect)

Suddenly, the door swings open, therefore getting crushed to splinters.

(Replay again)

Suddenly, the door swings open, therefore getting crushed to splinters.

(End of replays)

"I'm finished!" Alice cries, and hops downstairs.

The three males follow, dazed, for two reasons. One, she's wearing a dress with a yellow skirt and blue cape, like a Disney princess. Two, she's shouting, "Bella! Rosalie!" at the top of her lungs.

When all six vampires (Alice, Bella, Rosalie, Jasper, Emmett, Charlie) assemble in the sitting room, Alice gracefully pulls out two beautiful dresses, one yellow and smoothly adorned, the other blue and sparkly.

"Try these on," Alice commands, giving the yellow to Bella and the blue to Rosalie.

"You didn't . . ." Bella protests.

"Oh, come now," Alice says sternly, "you don't want all my hard work to go to waste. Besides, you're not the only one getting one."

"You mean, Esme's getting one, too?"

"Of course," Alice says. "She's Sleeping Beauty."

"What about the boys?"

"Oh, they're all various princes, except for Edward." Alice grins. "He's the Beast."

"A sexy Beast," Bella says dreamily.

"Go try it on," Alice coaxes.

"Okay." Bella seems to be floating on air.

"Thanks, Alice," says Rosalie, already in her Cinderella dress.

"Who's the sexy beast now?" Emmett banters, drawing close to her.

Rosalie flips her hair. "Of course."

They passionately make out.

"Ahem," Alice coughs. "You know I made these in planning for a princess ball, right? With a musical production!"

Rose and Emmett ignore her.

"Umm . . ." says Jasper. "Do you . . ."

"Sure," Alice agrees.

They join the making out.

"Hmph," grumps Charlie. "Eternal teenagers."

He leaves the room, wishing for a vampire dating service.

* * *

"Yeesh, that musical practice is dumb," Jasper says as he and Emmett are hanging out in the attic of the Denali house.

"No kidding," Emmett agrees. "I can't remember my song at all!"

"Emmett, you just have to stand there with Rosalie. You don't have a singing part."

"Oh, right. I knew that."

Jasper sighs. "Man, I am so BORED!!"

Emmett grins. "Want me to get out the popcorn? Mom's garden needs some thinning." (The two of them had been depositing their venom-covered garden in Esme's garden, therefore killing the poor plants. She's still upset.)

"No."

"We could see how far we could spit soda."

"No."

"We could bake cookies with Edward."

"No."

"We could - "

"Could you suggest something that doesn't have anything to do with human food?" Jasper asks, agonized. "I'm thirsty today! I'm so . . ."

He's distracted by a breeze from the attic window.

"Ba-raaaaaaaaack."

A few floors below, Alice has a vision. Tanya is with her.

"What is it?" Tanya asks, after seeing her stiffen.

"Umm, hey, you know that . . . back-up parakeet you keep in the attic? Well, um . . ."

Tanya rushes upstairs in a heartbeat, but she's already too late.

Let's just say that Jasper really got it bad that night.


End file.
